Between the Lines

I handed in my thesis today for examination. It's taken me nine years. As I checked it over before submission, I thought how pristine it all looked. In fact it looked as though I really knew what I was doing and, really ... why had it taken nine years! What will the Examiner's think? I'll find out in a few months and no doubt it will rebound with, I hope, not too many bits and pieces to tidy up. What they won't see though is the life between the lines. As I readied the manuscript, I thought about all that has happened in nine years. I've already alluded to some of those things in previous posts, and I don't want to appear as though I think I'm the only one who has the lion's share of life dramas and highs. Quite the opposite. Reflecting on what had been happening in the foreground of my life while the thesis sulked in the background just makes me realise how very frail and beautiful it is to be human. For my own record I'm recording some of those things here, just to remind myself that I have achieved a personal monumental milestone. Here's what lies between the lines of my spotless manuscript: births of five grandchildren; full-time care of two of them; death of my beloved father; the publication of my first novel; the death-defying feat of my daughter; the jump from the mothership of full-time employment; good times with my mother; my beautiful mother's death; good times with family; Barkly times with good friends; love; food; simple and greater pleasures; the joy of teaching creative writing and yoga; the gift of brilliant supervisors; the excitement of starting a third novel; the recognition of the preciousness of the extended family and any who come under that umbrella; my home; my pond; my cat; my books; my children; my partner. How blessed I am. No, the Examiners won't see what lies between the lines. 

A noble profession

While a few of the things that happened in my novel Whispers in the Wiring were later played out in real life in unexpected ways, the initial premise of the story was very much based on real events. Following the sudden and untimely death of a family member, I struggled to reconcile a loose-fitting belief in an after-life with an increasing conviction that I was deluding myself. Rupert and Athena, central characters in the novel were initially 'born' to provide a vehicle for conversation existing 'outside' my head (of course it was still inside my head!!). The process was cathartic; no news to those who write. Among many other reasons it's why we write - to make sense of the insensible, to connect with our deepest dark and light places, and to disconnect from those same places. And so it goes with reading. In a recent creative writing class I asked the students what value did they think a writer had in society. I think the question arose from my decision to leave the very noble profession of full-time teaching  to follow my dream to be a writer. How self-indulgent! Had I lost my place in society? Was I no longer being of service? How could I compare my contribution with those who comfort the sick, the dying, the drug-affected, the battered .... We had a great conversation, my wonderful class and I and I realised that, apart from the love and support of family and friends, it was reading that helped carried me through life's dark times. Sadly, in this last week I have cause to put it to the test once again. The death of a loved one takes you to dark places. I scanned my book shelf searching for relief. I by-passed tomes full of weighty words and deep philosophies and instead picked out one that I might normally 'hide' from serious literature-minded friends. Light and bright, food, love, good times and, pretty shallow. I thank that author for the comfort and the release from the heavy reality of my loss, for the half hours at a time where I was liberated and felt a return of joy. She may never know the effect of her 'self-indulgent' profession, but it's answered the question for me. Do writers have a valuable role in society. Absolutely. 

That's my focus

After re-reading my last blog I began to wonder if my new year's resolution was to not write another one! The promise made to myself at the close of 2012 was to focus my attention on what is important to me (family aside!). If you read any of my earlier posts, you will see that I spread myself widely last year. When I look back, I can see that, within the optimism of 're-inventing' myself, was a certain amount of panic, and a difficulty in letting go of the perception I had of myself for over twenty-five years. Quite a bit of last year's energy was spent laying foundations. I would like to say they were 'new', but mostly they were still concerned with teaching, just teaching different things: yoga and creative writing. This is not a negative. In fact I have come to accept with pride and humility that teaching is a very significant part of who I really am, and this year I have reaped the rewards of the energy expended last year. However, a shift has occurred in that I truly and utterly know that writing is the ultimate expression of who I am; even 'saying' that now is an affirmation of that shift. My resolution for 2013. To write. To learn how to write beautifully, and then to learn how to write even better. A life-long commitment to the craft. That's my focus. 

So, what did I learn from my pondering?

Well, the year of pondering is almost at an end and I take this time to reflect on what I have done and what I have learned since I left my job this time last year. 

I'll start with the 'done' things (or still doing in some cases): Certificate IV in Training and Assessment to broaden my prospects of teaching creative writing; Certificate in Yoga Teaching (almost done); Doctoral thesis (almost done). I have tutored in Biology, taught yoga, and had a goodly amount of work as a replacement teacher; travelled to New Norcia in WA to get inspiration for a new novel. I have spent some quality time with family, but still not enough. 

What have I learnt? That I can be very fickle. I worry about things more than I would have thought when my mind was occupied with full-time teaching. I have a propensity to spread myself too thinly (have a look at the list above!). My confidence waxes and wanes according to the amount of daily sunlight (a melatonin problem I suspect). I am preoccupied with working out the financial budget. Now this is not so unreasonable because there was a (not totally) unexpected change in our financial situation. Chris had to leave his job because he could not sustain its physical demands while still recuperating. Fair enough. He says he's 'semi-retired'. I keep telling him that, no, we are both 'unemployed'. 

If you have read my previous blogs you might recall 'what the life coach said'. In that blog I wrote about another time when I made a life-changing decision, driven by the urgency of family commitments (you see I was preoccupied with family budgets then too). The other day I had that unnerving feeling that I was in a similar situation and wondered whether I have subconsciously set myself up to be motivated by need.
Ok, the urgency to get on with it is not of the same nature as then, and I have to keep reminding myself of that, but the more you have ...   So watch this space. 

So... has the year been a good one. Yes. I have done and learned a great deal. I always thought that it would be a year of sorting out myself, a fruitful year of pondering and it has been that. Has it been worth the sacrifices? Yes, but that all depends on what I now do with my pondering. New Year looms. I'd thought that I was 'over' making resolutions but there is something cathartic and renewing about the process. So I will. And the progress of these will be documented in 2013s blogs "The Year of Resolution".

Happy New Year.